Easter Message

What with the Easter Bunny, eggs, candy, plastic grass, and all that shit, it can be pretty easy to overlook the true meaning of Jesus’s zombification:

God (the all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe) made mankind (in his likeness) which ended up being riddled with so many assholes that they couldn’t even follow simple rules like not boiling a young goat in its mother’s milk and not eating the bird known as a bat. The obvious response to this blatant depravity (which also included the horror show of wearing clothes made from two different types of fabric) was for God to knock up a human chick and wait for roughly thirty-three years (long con) until the kid annoyed enough people to the point that they decided to torture and kill him (although he might also actually be God himself – it’s kind of unclear and depends on who you ask). But the kid only needed to be dead for three days. Then he got turned into a zombie, wandered around for a bit, and got voiped off to some ill-defined place called “Heaven”. Heaven is of particular note because it is eternal paradise (also ill-defined…like, if you’re dead, but all the people you want to hang out with are still alive, are you still in paradise? Whatever. Stop asking questions!) and for the rest of forever, as long as people state that they believe this story, they will also go to Heaven when they die.

And that’s why we have a rabbit bring chicken eggs, full of sugar, to children. And hide them. (The eggs, not the children).

Got it? Good.

Happy Easter.

A Letter to Conservatives

Dear people on the right who are actively telling people on the left to stop whining, crying, and throwing a tantrum,

I would respectfully urge you to go eat a dick. We just got done witnessing Republicans throw an eight-year-long, whiny tantrum by being obstructionist any chance they could find and by straight up fear-mongering with made-up stories about people coming for your guns or setting up death panels or who the hell knows how many other ridiculous stories.

Now we have this prick as our president. See, the thing is, we don’t have to make up conspiracy theories and stories about him being a misogynistic, racist, xenophobic, narcissistic, imbecilic, megalomaniac. We have video and tweets of him doing it every damn day and being proud of it. We aren’t only protesting what he could possibly do. We are protesting the disgrace that such a pile of shit brings to a noble office. Regardless of what he might do, right now it’s about who he objectively is.

To the notion that I should respect him simply because he’s the president, I will say that I intend to give him all the respect he deserves based on his actions. If he treats people with respect, he will earn respect in return. But so long as he stays the current course, you and our “esteemed” leader can feel completely free to fuck right off.


Iowa Bible Reading Fun

This article about Iowans reading Bibles at government buildings is absolutely hilarious. First of all, I find it astonishing to think that anybody could truly read the Bible and still say, with a straight face, that they find it to be inspirational or beautiful or about “just love, mercy and grace”. If that is all you take away from the Bible, then I’m sorry…you didn’t read the fucking Bible. I don’t care what you claim. Go back to page one and start over. Read it straight through. Don’t just cherry-pick the passages your preacher told you to read. Both the message and the writing are truly horrific. Not to mention how mind-numbingly boooooooring the damn thing is!

I love how the guy in the video is reading Genesis. That could not be a more perfect example of what “reading the Bible” means to most people. I assume he got through the creation story (which violates physics, chemistry, and basically every other discipline of science) and then wanted to claw his own eyes out because he realized how stupid the book is. I don’t know, maybe he made it all the way to the begats. But if he did, I’m certain he then made it look like he had to pee super bad and ran away.

I honestly couldn’t care less where people choose to read their Bibles. I would find it annoying to have somebody near me reading out loud but hell, I would find that annoying if they were reading the fucking Lord of the Rings and I love those books!

I do have to wonder, though, if the people reading the Bible out loud in the Capitol have gotten to this verse yet:

Matthew 6:6 New International Version (NIV)

6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Eh, whatever. As long as all they do is read their Bible in public, I don’t care. Just don’t try to make our government be “biblical”. I’ve already addressed that.

And Still…Climate Change

Climate change is a topic I have covered ad nauseam here. I found it completely absurd years ago that we were even still having this debate and now the United States of America has gone and elected a fuckwit science denier to the highest post in the land.

I truly do feel like having nearly 100% of climate scientists agree on a topic should be enough. But silly me, there I go giving conservatives orders of magnitude more credit than they deserve.

Have a look at this page. Scroll down a bit to the chart listing the 16 warmest years on record. Notice anything? Anything at all? Specifically take a look at that “Year” column. Now do you notice anything? How about the fact that 15 of those 16 years all start with “2”? And the only other one was two years before years started with “2”.

Let that truly sink in for just a moment. Except for the year 2000 itself, every single year of this new millennium is essentially in the hottest “however many years it’s been since 2000” list. And all indications point to the fact that 2016 will top 2015.

I mean, that almost makes it seem like the globe is getting…warmer. But at least Fuckwit the Orange will soon be taking control. That should really get things back on fucking track.

The Return

Well…it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. The last time I wrote anything for Empty Beer Bottles was in May of 2015 when my son was battling cancer. In short, he unfortunately lost that battle a few months later, so posting here became a very low priority.

Recently, though, I’ve realized that I’ve missed it. So I decided to try clearing away the cobwebs, loading up the snark cannon, and taking aim at any worthy targets. I sure hope I can think of some!

Welcome back, me.

Cancer? No Worries. God Will Fix That.

On December 31, 2014, my fourteen-year-old son was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Since that day, as one would expect, I have received many variations of the prayer sentiment. “I’m praying for you”, or “Your family is in our prayers”, or “Our whole church is praying for your son”. Now, even being very firmly in the atheist camp, I can recognize that sentiment for what it is. I realize that it is the person’s mechanism for attempting to say something encouraging in the face of something so awful. So when it happens, I smile and I sincerely tell the person, “Thank you. I really appreciate that”.

But then the prayer sentiment can go a step further. And that’s when my hackles start to get up. In this form, the sentiment has been something like, “You need to remember, God works miracles”, or “You should come to church”, or “You really need to turn things over to the Lord”. Do you see the difference? In the first set, the person is telling me that something is being done on our behalf. It doesn’t matter two shits if I happen to think that praying for my son does exactly as much good as eating a jelly bean for my son. That person is still simply expressing a nice sentiment. In the second set, the implication is that I need to change my behavior. And this is because the person talking to me can simply not fathom how anybody could know peace and learn to accept the situation without believing in the same invisible sky-man in which he or she believes.

This leads me to feel that it is at least worth discussing the fact that my lack of belief in any sort of god is every bit as sincere as your belief in Yahweh and Jesus. And just like you wouldn’t appreciate me coming to you in a time of stress and desperation telling you how much better your life would be if you would just stop with all of your ridiculous, bullshit beliefs, I don’t appreciate you coming to me and telling me that I need to change mine. I understand that many Christians in this country have never been adequately exposed to the notion that there are other ways of thinking, so I’m here to help with that.

Let’s start off with the easy part. I know you feel what you feel and you feel that everybody needs to feel what you feel. But here’s the thing…if you want to tell me that your god can perform a miracle and cure my son, then I see that as equivalent to a thief stealing my stuff but then finding it in his heart to give the stuff back. So, I guess…thanks for giving it back? But still…fuck you to begin with! I would have been much happier if you just hadn’t stolen my shit in the first place! Asshole. In other words, even if there is a god, I see no reason to praise him for undoing what he allowed to happen to begin with. So if that’s what you’ve got, then I say your god is an asshole who is unworthy of adulation even if he does exist.

But what can it hurt to put my faith in the Lord to help my child? Do you mean putting my faith in the hate-filled, genocidal phychopath told about in disjointed tales in a geriatric storybook and his zombie kid who gets pissed off at fig trees? I don’t know. Should we compare the track records of faith healing sects to those of science-based medicine? Because I have news for you, when you use science-based medicine and also still pray…<whisper>It isn’t your sky-wizard who makes things better</whisper>.

But now let’s move beyond the ridiculousness of me putting faith in a book that I find to be, literally, no different than The Iliad or The Odyssey (except nowhere near as good). Now let’s get to you telling me I should. Why? Why do you feel like you need to do that? As I said before, I’m not yammering on to you about the obvious benefits of not believing in a sky-man. For instance, when I found out my son had cancer, I didn’t have to reconcile that horrible fact with my belief in some “all-loving” god. I didn’t have to waste time and emotion jumping through hoops trying to figure out what sky-man meant by that. I didn’t have to resent sky-man.

I realize I’m telling you that now. But I would never have the gall to say something like that when you were at your wit’s end trying to figure out how to get your kid through cancer. So tell me, Christian who insists you know what I need better than I do…why don’t you have the same respect for me?

Legitimate Rape

I think Rep. Todd Akin is an inspiration. With one answer to one question about whether or not he would like all abortion banned, even in the case of rape, he gave idiots everywhere hope.

It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.

With that statement, Mr. Akin showed us that if you ever feel inadequate, all you have to do is look to him and remember that even if you think you are a gigantic dumbass, you can at least still get elected to Congress in the United States of America.

The fact that in his mind he can somehow distinguish between “legitimate” rape and apparently illegitimate rape is bad enough. But that part about the female body being able to “shut that whole thing down”? What…the…fuck? This guy is on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology? Is that a fucking joke?

The fact that this lowest common denominator is responsible for making decisions that affect us all is inexcusable. Not only should he drop out of the Senate race he’s in, but he should also resign his House seat. At the very least, his ass should be thrown off that committee.

The Economy Runs on an Eight-Year Lag

Something just occurred to me. A canard I used to hear from conservatives all the time in the late 90s/early 2000s (and, for that matter, used to throw around myself) was that the economy runs on an “eight-year lag”. I never really stopped to think about it back then. I guess it seemed to make enough sense. Any policies that were enacted would of course take time to have any real effect so I thought it seemed reasonable that it would take many years to truly see the benefits or drawbacks.

But I don’t really hear that anymore. Once it popped into my head that it had been a long time since I’d heard that one thrown around, I thought about it for a second and then just had to laugh. That was obviously a bullet point to bring up in order to give Reagan credit for the economy of the 90s. It certainly couldn’t have been Clinton! Must be that there’s a lag or something! Praise still be to Reagan!

How long ago was eight years back from today? Oh that’s right. It was directly in the middle of George 2’s presidency. Which means that old bit of “logic” would pin the blame for this enormous pile of shit we have right now solely on Dubya. And we can’t have that now, can we? We need to blame the Kenyan socialist.